Jack of All Trades

I am moving

2009-01-02T06:10:00.005-05:00

I'm moving the blog to wordpress . . .

I'm still setting it up, but it's pretty much there now.

You will be automatically redirected in about 5 seconds.

If you are not redirected, click on the link above!

28 years

2009-01-01T20:20:00.002-05:00

Ron and I were married 28 years ago 12/31.

28 years. They have, with rare exception, been very good years. I could gush, but I won't.

They have not been perfect years. We are after all both human, but nonetheless, they have been very good years.

We met at church in early October, and I knew almost immediately that if he asked I'd marry him. But would he ask? He was twelve years older than I was. He was educated - Not only with a college degree (something I didn't have at the time), but with a masters AND he was also abd. He was a professional. He'd been in the marines during Viet Nam. He'd been a college professor. Who was I? What was I? What accomplishments did I have to show? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Yet, he saw something. He knew, as I knew that God has plans that often don't make human sense on the surface.

I have a blackberry

2009-01-01T19:16:00.003-05:00

Blackberries are nice in a pinch. They really are. Have you tried existing on one for a week? Ok it wasn't even a week. It was days only days. Friday to Thursday. ACK it was a week.

Woefully insufficient. I'm not sure woefully will cut it here. Desperately, terribly, lamentably . . . well, surely you get the picture!

I was able to read my favorite blogs. I even responded to a couple. I was able to read personal email, but I couldn't get into my corporate email because I'd forgotten to log out before I'd shut the computer the last time I was online. *ahem* Haven't even tackled that bear yet and may just let it wait until Monday. Does it matter if it's turned into a brown bear or a grizzly?

Have you ever tried reading a really long and passionate thread on the baptistboard.com on a blackberry? Well, why do I care why someone is fighting for the rights of KJVO anyway? Not my fight. Why am I drawn to it like a moth to the proverbial flame?

Have you ever read a blog that is on a dark background in little bitty black font. *bleh* And just why do the comments take so long to come up anyway?

Or web pages? They take too long to load. It's all so inconvenient. There is no flash! What do you mean I can't see the page because it's in flash. Double *sigh*

But there I sat each day sloshing through iddy biddy page after page reading like my life depended on it. Ron just read the paper. ;)

New Traditions

2008-12-26T09:25:00.004-05:00

The past couple of years, Ron and I have been trying to settle on new Christmas traditions. The kids are grown and gone. They may or may not come home. They may or may not all be home at the same time.

When they were little, we would have a light meal for Christmas Eve, go to the Candle Light Service, read the Christmas story and then open presents. Christmas morning, we'd do stockings and then everyone helped with the meal. We usually had all kinds of people over that had no place to go.

Christmas Eve with Blythe and Joe at their house.

This year we are at the beach with Brandon for a few days. My sister will be in for a couple of those too. Then Ron and I get a few by ourselves which will include our anniversary.

Very relaxing . . .

The Shepherds and the Angels

2008-12-25T06:57:00.003-05:00

Luke 2

8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

14 "Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests."

15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

(TNIV)

My Heart is Not Broken Any More

2008-12-24T17:41:00.003-05:00

It's Christmas Eve. Hallelujah! Time to focus on Jesus. Like every single day. No day is time to focus on me, but I had been. My heart was broken. The day that letter came and I had to come face to face with what my relationship with my parents really was and always had been.

God had been preparing me for that day for so long. First He sought me out and saved me. Then He gave me Ron to nurture me and help me know that people were honorable and faithful. Then slowly He helped me come face to face with my damage so that I was able to look the inevitable squarely in the eye - so that it wouldn't completely devastate me when I did.

What I realized in all of this is that God sustains. He allows you to get up in the morning and do your job no matter how crushing your insides feel. He allows you to put one foot in front of the other and walk from one place to the other. He allows you to smile and meet people even when you cry yourself to sleep at night. God is sufficient through all things even when your heart is broken.

This fall old passions began to return. I wanted to pull out crafting materials that had lain dormant and gotten dusty, I started to write again - not for lessons or web sites or school, but for me, to express myself as I'd not in ages. I got mad over injustices at school. I . . . well I'm doing all kinds of things that I haven't done in ages.

I'm not brokenhearted any more.

Wordle

2008-12-23T21:20:00.003-05:00

I kept seeing a Wordle on T.C.'s blog and went to the link . . .

Click on it and it will take you to the large one which is much more stunning. It's a compilation of words from this blog.

Bella

2008-12-23T15:52:00.005-05:00

I thought we had an order coming in from the bindery last Tuesday, but they were a no show. So I cataloged DVDs that I'd let stack up. I hate cataloging DVDs. Several of them looked interesting though, so I brought them home. I thought I'd write a critique of a few - some are good, some were NOT.

Bella was good, really good. It's by Lionsgate, a company that is generally trustworthy as far as putting a movie on the Media Center shelf. It is PG 13 so it's not for the very young.

It is not an overtly Christian movie. The main family are Spanish speaking so part of the movie is sub-titled. There is death, there is life. There is pig-headedness. There is forgiveness - forgiveness of others and forgiveness of self. There are some who cannot forgive or let go. This is a sanctity of life movie about decisions that are hard to make. Not all the decisions made were right. Some of the decisions were life changing and brutal. It was heart breaking at parts. The main family was loving and supportive. The husband adored his wife and children!

This is not a brilliant movie and it did drag at parts, but it was well worth the watch and may well be good to use with youth groups for a sanctity of life Sunday or with school groups for sex-ed lessons.

What happens to old or even not so old books?

2008-12-23T10:30:00.006-05:00

Every year in the Media Center, I have to prune books. We have a large, beautiful space and even then there is not enough room to keep every book known to man. I'd like to, but the fact remains that some books become out dated, some books just don't get checked out. Some books are never checked out. How sad. I buy some books, process them, and there they sit for ages. They become yellow, dusty, pitiful from just sitting.

The used book sales area of the media center has grown - partly due to donations that we just don't need. (Would you like a Left Behind book? How about Joel Osteen?) BUT it's also partly due to this pruning that must also occur. One of my goals for this upcoming year is to try to read more of these books myself. Some of the books that come off the shelf are EXCELLENT! It's hard though - just to find the time found to buy and catalog them . . .

Visit our Media Center

Book Giveaway

2008-12-23T07:32:00.003-05:00

I stumbled across this today in my daily search of blogs about Bibles, Books, and theology:

All of these books could be yours! Today, it is my pleasure to announce the first ever Kingdom People Christmas Giveaway.

For the next ten days (Dec. 15-25), you have the opportunity to register to win all ten of my favorite books this year. Plus, an ESV Study Bible. That’s $260 worth of books!

Check it out!

Pseudo Research and Closed Mindedness

2008-12-22T08:00:00.002-05:00

One of my Jack of All Trades traits - I don't mind changing my mind when I'm proven wrong or when research shows it. Practicality has to come into play also.

I will admit, I do not understand this King James Version Only (KJVO) mind set or the research they use to back up that the King James Version (KJV) is God's inspired word to English speaking people. Tell me it might be your preference, although I think if they really gave one of the newer versions a chance, they'd lay the KJV down, but don't make up Pseudo Research to support an unsupportable stance.

Here's one that was posted on the Baptist Board this weekend:
Which Version is the Bible? by FLOYD NOLEN JONES, Th.D., Ph.D.

These papers are entered into with one thing in mind and one thing only: to prove that the KJV is the one and only approved word of God. Nothing will get in their way. If they tripped over a piece of research that showed that God fearing men, qualified linquists, expert researchers, etc. translated the exact same texts used in the KJV, it would NOT be enough, it would NEVER be enough. Minds are made up. Case is closed.

Another thing that bothers me is the need to tear down ALL modern versions. Now some are now worth the paper on which they are written. But to say that all men except those that translated the KJV had nefarious intentions or that God stopped working through tranlations with the KJV is just plain hard to swallow.

NKJV: Counterfeit Case in point. This one is rich. I think you would agree regardless of the side you take on this debate.

This is not going to be solved. It's not worth getting into. I do not see why both sides just don't let the other be - like the drinking debate. But for whatever reason they don't.

Scarves for Christmas

2008-12-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

I finished the scarves!

I still have a few purses to complete. Now how many days are there . . . mmmmmm

I didn't know

2008-12-21T05:55:00.006-05:00

I didn't know.

I didn't know the distance at which I'd kept God for so long.

I didn't know how I really didn't trust him.

I didn't know how much I feared that He'd betray me.

I didn't know.

I didn't know how much was colored by my childhood by anyone's childhood.

I didn't know that if you're raised around so much anger that you are angry too.

I didn't know that I had quit talking for fear it would be repeated.

I didn't know that I'd quit writing for fear it would be found.

I didn't know how much on earth is reflected spiritually.

I just didn't know.

I didn't know how long pain could be carried.

I didn't know how strongly He wanted my attention.

I didn't know how much hurt I could feel.

I didn't know how humbled I could be.

I didn't know how bad things really had been.

I didn't know I could feel.

I didn't know how much He loved me.

I didn't know how open I could be.

I didn't know how glorious things are.

I didn't know.

Now I do.

Praise God.

I didn't know.

Weddings & Mothers of the Groom

2008-12-20T08:07:00.005-05:00

Weddings - Glorious events!

Well . . . ;)

My friend Tina is about to be the mother of the groom today. Odd event this for us old gals. The men have their sons and we moms mmmmm we are an extra on the stage. The old phrase about wearing beige and keeping your mouth shut is very true.

Tina has very much been in my prayers.

Exams are done

2008-12-19T20:01:00.003-05:00

Exams are a glorious and frustrating time. Students who have struggled rise to the surface. Students who should do better, fail.

This year:

27% made A's.

17% made F's.

Only a couple of those F's were expected. Two of them were normally A students who didn't do a thing during study sessions. They must have thought that they knew so much that they just didn't have to work. Today, when I collected the tests and work, they had no work. Now, I'm a fairly good math student and I wrote the tests AND I couldn't have done all the problems with no work. What a great trick!

74% made 80 or above.

YES!

I'm pretty happy with that!

How much is too much help?

2008-12-17T22:20:00.004-05:00

During study session today - after going over dozens of math problems, students broke into small groups to drill each other on vocabulary. One of the girls came up to me and asked to go make a copy of a copy of someone's vocab work.

Nope, I responded.

Why not, she asked (not especially nicely).

I just looked at her.

At this point I've explained a couple of hundred times the benefit of looking the words up, reading the definition, writing the definition down. Right now in this one class, one child's vocabulary is now a classroom set.

I'm noticing a trend. There are doers and those that wait for things to be done for them. Some of the doers gladly do for those that wait. When I tell a kid to look something up - That problem is in Chapter 2 - near the beginning. We talked about it, so I know once you find it, you'll remember it. Likely as not, another kid will jump in and tell the other how to do the problem. Even small things like What's the date/time? When I remind him or her that a calendar/clock is on the wall, inevitably someone will jump in and tell them.

I used to explain that they have figured this out, so their classmates can too. This hasn't worked. I'm trying a new strategy likened to exercising. If someone is asking a question and I don't directly answer, then I want their brain to exercise. If they jump in and answer, then their brain gets double exercise and the kid who doesn't know the skill still has none.

We'll see if this works.

TNIV

2008-12-16T12:04:00.005-05:00

I broke down and bought one. I'd been putting it off because the last one I bought, the ESV, was a disappointment (although technically fine), and I just didn't want to spend any more money on another version just to be disappointed again. BUT a couple of guys on the BaptistBoard (T.C. and Rippon) kept insisting I wouldn't be, so off to the store I went.

With Matthew under my belt, I can safely say that so far I'm happy. I do wish I hadn't bought the Study Bible though. There is only so much - so many places the notes can go and with several of those already. . . . Well, maybe it's the time of day I read. I'm finding the notes more distracting than helpful.

But so far, I do like TNIV.

Through the Bible in a Year

2008-12-15T06:25:00.001-05:00

There are many plans out there if you are interested:

One Year Bible Online

Nice Chart from the ELCA - Aside from their other polity

Now this one is from eword and has a variety of plans for a variety of versions. They range from Chronological to historical to old/new to new/old.

Bible Gateway has one, but it's not in a nice printable form. It does link to the chapters though in NIV.

This is just a start. There are tons of online supplies available to help you read through the Bible in a year.

The Gift

2008-12-14T17:27:00.006-05:00

We went to Texas for the weekend to see Brandon. Whirlwind trip. He starred in Southcliff's Christmas program.

Divorced dad. Co-worker gives him a DVD of the Christmas program. Nothing good on TV so he watches it. In the meantime, he finds out that his children won't be coming home for Christmas. He thinks of Christmases past - better Christmases. He realizes he needs more, that he needs Jesus, and calls his co-worker to talk.

On a reflective note, my son is grown. He has finished seminary. He has waited patiently on a ministerial role. In this performance, he played not only a man, but a mature one at that. I realized watching him in this role how much I miss him - seeing him on a regular basis. He is a fine actor. He will be a fine youth minister.

The Rich Man in Hell

2008-12-14T16:25:00.003-05:00

I can't let this go.

We've been studying parables. Typical LifeWay fashion - there was a worksheet with references and titles to match. Such a challenging lesson ;0. So, I picked about a dozen for us to look at more closely.

Most I picked at random. I picked the new wine in old wine skins just so the students would know that not everything is easy to interpret.

This one though, the rich man in hell. It's been bugging me. Every one I've mentioned it to, they remember the part about the rich man wanting Lazarus to place a drop of water on his tongue. They don't remember the part about the rich man asking Abraham to send Lazarus to warn his five brothers about what was in store for them if they didn't believe. Abraham's response? Why would they believe a dead man standing in front of them when they had the words of Moses and the prophets? You didn't believe!

Now the students, they said, "OH, I'd believe a dead guy if he came to tell me about hell!"

"Oh really?" I said, "The Bible clearly says you won't."

One of the counselors gets a remarkable picture in an email. I do wish I had the picture because it was absolutely awesome. Truck driver saved in a wreck. He drops off the road facing in the opposite direction on a sheer incline. He'd have surely died if he'd been facing the other direction, off just inches. It was miles down the cliff. The first response was, "If he didn't believe in God before, he'd have to now."

BUT he doesn't, does he? Because if the Holy Spirit is not working, no event, no person, no words are going to make a difference. The thing is that we don't know on who, at what place, at what time God is at work and our part, our obligation is just to be ready to share.

Translation Debate by Eugene Glassman

2008-12-13T08:11:00.002-05:00

We are in Texas to see Brandon in a play. I picked up Translation Debate by Eugene Glassman to read on the way over. He wrote this book in 1981, so many of the current versions are not included, but it is a fine piece of work that is nicely notated.

Glassman gives a brief history of how the modern Bible came to us. He discusses the differences in translation purposes - is the translator going to be truer to the original language or to the receiving language. He is not anti-paraphrase and discusses that all versions are paraphrased to some extent. Glassman does a good job of comparing a single scripture from various scripture to prove his points.

He brought up the Phillips Translation many times. I've got an old one on my shelf that I haven't pulled off in years that used to be one of my favorites to read. I need to go dust it off.

One of my favorite quotes was from the gentleman writing to the American Bible Society wanting to help translate Bibles for missionaries - he asked for a foreign language dictionary and grammar book and promised that in his spare time, he'd get the new testamant translated.

It's been a week . . .

2008-12-13T07:42:00.001-05:00

I went a week in between migraines this time. Not a pain-free week mind you, but a week in between the kind that make you have to lay down and take major pain meds. THAT is a miracle! AND I'm really grateful.

It might have been longer if I'd not been careless at dinner Wednesday night. We went for Mexican and I ate hot sauce with reckless abandon, thinking while I ate it that this would be trouble. It was. Two days worth. One of them a traveling day even.

oh well.

You know, I did have a thought this past week. It was probably completely bizarre and makes no sense. I did an internet search and only found one other reference and it was in another blog. But I've thought and thought about the time my migraines went from several a year to the time they went to chonic and it seems it was about the same time I had shingles. It's also in the same location - same side of my face and down the same arm. Probaby a crazy thought, but I did think about it.

Beyond the call of duty

2008-12-10T18:03:00.001-05:00

I was walking out of the counselor's office (across the hall from my classroom)

WHAM!

Well, that's just how fast things happen don't they! I got hit by a running kid. A kid who was supposed to be sitting in my class. Since I was a few minutes late, he thought he could sneak off to his locker like The Flash. I was still halfway in the door so it didn't knock me over. I was knocked into the door frame. He's sprawled all over the floor laughing. I'm not. It surprised me. I'm trying to figure out if I'm hurt, if he's hurt. People come running. At least my class has the good sense to act concerned.

Now I'm feeling a bit like I've been in an accident - sore from head to toe. I do hope the kid's ok . . . We had a wreck - minus the vehicles.

Merging Blogs . . .

2008-12-10T17:22:00.002-05:00

I can't keep up with a variety of blogs, so I've been doing some merging.
Not all blogs are easy to merge. Bah humbug. This is going to take some time and cut into new writing.
I've learned some blog coding. HA! The look has already changed. Watch out!

Abortion

2008-12-09T20:33:00.000-05:00

OK John Piper two days in a row. Or is it two in one. mmm

Well he's good. I like the clear and concise way he puts things.

Abortion. God makes life. Who are we to take it? When does life begin? Too many opinions. Life is precious because it comes from God.

God is at work. And if he is supreme, you leave his knitting work alone

-John Piper

Skinny by New Years

2008-12-09T17:37:00.000-05:00

I have Sirrius Radio in the car and they play the most bizarre commercials. One of them is for this weight loss pill. Take it and night and sleep your weight away. It will fall off as you sleep. You'll be skinny by New Year. The web page is really something like skinnypill.com

Yea right. Give me a break.

Now this does make me think of this year's class actually. They just don't want to work. Every year, I have some students who are resistant to working, but this class has much larger numbers. If I give a challenging problem, the whines rise. Instead of using spare time to do assignments, they create spare time. I've had to change my teaching order because visiting is rampant. I always issue a challenge to students to not cut off educational opportunities today that will limit what they can do with their education in the upcoming years because they have no clue what God has planned for them, and still they look for opportunities to cut out problems, look for ways to visit, not start class on time, don't do their homework . . . Generalities of course - but larger than in the past. Skinny education.

Glorious Jesus!

2008-12-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

Piper's latest sermon arrived in my email box. He's preaching through John. These are the titles for Jesus in just John 1:

The Word. Verse 1: “In the beginning was the Word.”
God. Verse 1: “And the Word was God.”
Light. Verse 9: “The true light . . . was coming into the world.”
Jesus Christ. Verse 17: “Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.”
Lamb of God. Verse 29: “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”
Rabbi. Verse 38: “And they said to him, ‘Rabbi’ (which means Teacher), where are you staying?”
Messiah. Verse 41: “We have found the Messiah” (which means Christ).”
Son of God. Verse 49: “You are the Son of God!”
King of Israel. V
Publish Post
erse 49: “You are the King of Israel!”
Son of Man. Verse 51: “You will see heaven opened, and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man.”

Those have a new meaning to me since I've worked through them now as a teacher and because we spent quite a bit of time with those in Bible.

Last section of sermon:

God’s Greatest Glory: Dying for Sinners

So you could say that the greatest glory Nathanael, or you and I, would ever see is the glory of the Son of Man, the Lord of heaven, whose dominion is an everlasting dominion, lifted up on a cross to die for sinners.

So when you see him this Advent season as Son of God, and as King of Israel, and as Son of Man, make sure that you see him dying to give you eternal life and, therefore, see him as glorious.
-John Piper

Glorious Savior! Who am I that you looked on me? That you care for me, that you died for me? Oh Glorious Savior!

I can't make up my mind!

2008-12-08T06:47:00.000-05:00

Bible!

Life of Christ! I was so looking forward to teaching it and it's been such a trial. The text from Lifeway (LifeQuest) is just mediocre. The school did not buy the student texts - probably because they also are mediocre, but the teacher text is based on the fact that the kids have them. There are multiple problems with it:

It's an awful lot like what they get in Sunday School and I'd like to go deeper on the factual side.
There is the textbook issue.
It's meant for 5 1-hour sessions and we only have 4 30-minute sessions (please don't get me started on that!).
It's a survey course. This is fine, but some of these kids are really hungry for some deep learning.

I've had to essentially write, make, and then copy everything the students have to use. I'm sure the guys in the copy center hate to see me coming, but 8th graders need something in their hands to help them organize themselves.

So, I'm digging around in the book room one day and I see what looks like a set of Twelve Ordinary Men behind some new office furniture. I climb over there to retrieve one of the copies and I read it. Now this is exciting! A classroom set of something that the kids can hold in their hands. I do some research and there is a study guide I can get. The book is on CD, so I can use that intermittently. This can take third quarter planned appropriately - good meaty material!

Except, when the furniture is put in the office, there are only three books, not the classroom set I was expecting. So I send out emails and find that there is indeed a classroom set. At least two teachers have seen it. One has used it in the past. BUT where is it. I send out another email. I get some of the silliest replies about me looking for men, but nothing tangible about the books.

Heavy sigh.

One day in the midst of all this, I get an email from one of my media center suppliers. For purchases of $35 or more - there is no shipping. I check and yes indeed, they do have Twelve Ordinary Men. And what's this? They have hardbacks new for $9.95 a book. A classroom set will cost $250. If I throw in the $100 that the PTF has allotted me, then the school only has to fork over, ahhh spend $150. WHAT a bargain! Email sent to principal in a flash.

No response.

Wait.

Ah, I know, she's just sent the order through the appropriate channels. Let me check that route.

So, principal passes me in the hall. Appropriate channel asked. Ain't gonna happen. Money won't be spent. Now I'm upset. Even if the school spent the whole $250, that's $3.50 per kid on some good material. As far as I can tell, nothing's been spent in quite a while.

So, I'm kicking this around with a friend. And she's got a Piper DVD. I love Piper too. This one is called Blazing Center and is based off of Desiring God. Eight sermons. It's got a study guide which I've now got in my grubby little hands. I could get a could quarter's worth of lessons off of it too. It's good stuff. But it's not exactly directly related to the Life of Christ.

I know - I'm wordy.

My choices:

Stick with the LifeWay teacher material and keep working up material for the kids.
Use what I have of the Twelve Ordinary Men. Which is a DVD with some re-enactments, an unabridged CD, but NO books for the kids. They are only 8th graders.
Use the Blazing Center materials which isn't related to the curriculum.

It's taken me all day to write this and I still don't know what to do. I've no clear guidance.

Migraines

2008-12-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

I've had severe excruciating headaches for as long as I can remember. My dad must have had them too because I remember he took goodies or ate aspirin and he'd squint and rub his fingers or palm across his forehead.

To mother's credit, she did take me to the eye doctor a once when I was a girl to see if my vision was so terrible that might be the cause of them. When it wasn't, however, that was the end of that.

What it taught me was to carry pain in silence because we did not discuss things without a cause. Things without a cause were not real. And we all know what things that aren't real are *wink* *wink*

It was with such relief as an adult to finally be diagnosed. Well, I suppose relief is a funny word. I'd rather not have a chronic illness. But in reality, it's better to give it a name than not. It's better to research it and try remedies - both pharmaceutical and herbal. And again, I do owe a debt of being able to work, host, teach, converse, write through small, medium, intense pain.

Dante Club

2008-12-06T17:20:00.001-05:00

Good book by Matthew Pearl

My friend Debbie gave it to me for my birthday. It's taking me a while to get through it because I read at night and keep falling asleep. Not because it's boring by any means.

Set in Boston with Longfellow, Holmes, Lowell, and Fields (a publisher) making up the club - they are translating Dante. Took a bit to get into. After you are into it, you won't want to put it down. Well, unless it drops into your lap when you nod off because you are too tired to continue ;)

Crocheting and Knitting

2008-12-06T14:19:00.000-05:00

I am making Christmas presents this year.

shhhhhh, it's a secret, but it's been fun so far . . .

Dreaming and the alarm clock

2008-12-05T15:52:00.000-05:00

I don't dream very often. When I do they are usually really weird.

This morning, I was teaching and handing out materials then the alarm clock started to go off and I couldn't tear myself away from the kids to turn off the clock!

Silliest thing!

Craft Store

2008-12-04T15:20:00.000-05:00

I stopped by Zondervan's. I've been wanted to pick up a TNIV. Well, JoAnne's is right next door. I've been also wanting to pick up material for a new black purse. Material I got. They also had a knitting machine on sale for 1/3 off. I used to have one. This one in fact. I gave it away when we left Atlanta.

Guess what I came home with? *eyebrows raised*

I don't like your tone

2008-12-04T07:29:00.000-05:00

Most days I like teaching even though I've decided not to return next year. Today was not one of them.

Event 1
My second period class is chatty and borders on disrespectful - borders. They are the same when they return to Bible. Today I had a student who I'd asked several times to turn around. I'd asked several times to quit talking. I'd done my usual waiting. He'd asked me to repeat questions several times. Then he whispered a comment which he wouldn't repeat.

Another student later in the day came up to me and said, "Mrs. Griffin, wasn't it funny when Harry said he didn't like your tone?"

What? I was flabbergasted! That wasn't borderline anymore. Harry was at his locker and admitted he'd said it. He did apologize. Won't happen again he says. mmmmmm I should hope not. Certainly not after detention.

Event 2
Young man who is going to be gone for ages on an over seas trip. I've been working terribly hard trying to get his work ready in advance - including exams, tests, keys and January's work for him to take with him so he can return and not be behind. His mom told the History teacher at car duty that they aren't going to take any of the work we've gotten ready for him with them on their trip. *sigh*

Event 3
After much negotiation, I thought we finally had an exam grade column on the report card for 8th grade that would help a) students prepare for the H.S. exam grade that counts 20 percent of their semester grade and b) help parents remember what that grade was come recommendation time. When I went looking for it, I couldn't find it. Had to ask. Principal changed her mind and forgot to tell us.

finished those Roman Shades

2008-11-30T21:52:00.000-05:00

The re-covering was a dumb idea . . .

I thought it would make the room darker at night and in the mornings when we had the chance to sleep in. BUT they just didn't hang right. That's ok. They are finished now and are all beautiful and yellow. These go much nicer with the spread and pillows.

New Pillows

2008-11-28T21:19:00.000-05:00

Well that's not exciting I know. I've had the material for ages, so I recovered a Roman Shade too. I think I'll do to more Shades tomorrow.

I did get the hole patched. Tomorrow . . . Wall Paper!

Fixing holes in the wall

2008-11-27T20:53:00.000-05:00

you wouldn't think this would be hard!

Last week we had one in the bathroom. Joe has moved home during the week. Blythe is finishing up school and he's opening up a new store. So he's staying with us. I noticed that the towel rack was loose in the bathroom he's using. By the time I finished getting it off the wall, there was a hole - Metal anchors primarily to blame. So, some patch, sanding, small pieces of wall paper and it's nearly as good as new.

Which makes me think it's time to tackle the much larger hole at the bottom of the stairs that I've ignored for several years. Ron had tried to carry a mattress up the stairs by himself and it slipped. oops . . . I just hung a quilt over it. Since it was at such a prime location, I thought I should pull the entire panels of wall paper down for this hole - it spanned two. Joy! They didn't want to come off without the wall. What I thought would take 15 minutes took two hours. That was just pulling off the paper.

Tomorrow, I'll have to start patching the wall - not just the hole. Drat!

Well, darn

2008-11-26T20:40:00.002-05:00

OK, so Sharon and James had to cancel . . .

Sharon is sick. I hope she get's well quick!

Company for Thanksgiving . . .

2008-11-23T15:22:00.000-05:00

Sharon and James are coming for Thanksgiving!

I'm exciting. We won't have any of the kids over most likely. They would like to go out to eat. This has proved to be a feat greater than climbing Everest. We finally found a place closer than 100 miles.

My favorite was calling Salem Tavern.

We just found out we have out of town company coming. Are you open Thanksgiving Day?

Yes.

Wonderful! We'll need a table for four.

I can give you two tables for two.

But we have company coming. Couldn't you work out a table for four?

You've waited entirely too late to call!

Oh! Thanks anyway!

Oh well ;)

50!?!

2008-11-05T18:21:00.000-05:00

Today I am 50!

*gasp*

Where did the time go?

I think the bigger question is: Why don't I feel 50? ;)

Guidance

2008-10-30T14:13:00.000-04:00

This year, Kathy Glover asked to do Guidance during Bible. She's been doing a some decision making lessons and one of the situations was about a boy having to decide whether to live with his mom or dad. She made the statement that boys were naturally closer to their dads and girls were naturally closer to their moms.

When I got a chance, I had to whisper to her that this might not be true for a variety of reasons. I was closer to my dad - not that he was all that great a dad, but he was the one I gravitated toward. She asked me to share that, IF I didn't mind. AND you know, there were several girls that did say they were much closer to their dads than moms. Just because girls and boys are supposed to be a certain way - even in the best of homes - well, that doesn't always make it so.

My Cousin

2008-10-10T14:09:00.000-04:00

When my grandmother Katie died, my cousin Brian wanted to buy her house. He and daddy worked out all the arrangements. Then of course Daddy died before Brian paid off the house with the land.

I wonder how all that really went down. Mother would have sued him, taken the house and put him on the street. That much I do know. But the contract Daddy wrote was legally binding and she couldn't. I wonder if he was anywhere near the worm Mother portrayed him as being. There is no way to tell.

A loss beyond words

2008-09-24T22:21:00.001-04:00

We lost a student this week. He shot himself. He was actually on campus Monday to pick up his brother and then went home and blew off his head. There is no nice way to say that. He's gone. It's irrepairable.

Gabiden Kourman.

I taught him. He was on my math team. He was quite and intense even in the 8th grade. Still waters run deep. In high school, he stood up in Bible and said that he didn't believe in Jesus, in God, that he'd never believed. Students responded in all kinds of ways. The usual array from disbelief to trying to sway him to being mean. He later recanted saying that he was only trying to get them to think about what they believed. He was so close to himself, it's hard to know what his real intent was.

He was an excellent student. He loved math, he loved writing, he loved books. I heard that he'd said the pressure was too much. He was a freshman.

His 7th grade brother found him.

As mad as I got over the dismissal of David last year, I do know without a doubt that he would not have handled chapel today like Roger did. I do know that students have heard the plan of salvation over and over and over again this year. No one can leave Calvary Baptist Day School this year and say, "But how was I to know the way to heaven?" They know. Our walk through Romans has plainly and clearly shown our sin in Adam and the redemption in Jesus Christ.

While this is tragic beyond words, it is amazing to see God's hand, His placement of people, to know He is working.

I am heartbroken and yet awed in His presence.

Moving

2008-08-09T14:05:00.000-04:00

We moved a lot when I was growing up. Sometimes Daddy would come home and he'd be gone the next day. We'd have to move within a week.

We were always told it had to do with Daddy's job. It was because of what he wanted to do. That may have been true. Also helped him hide affairs that's for sure.

BUT I do wonder now, with hindsight on my side, if part of it wasn't in part because of Mother. It had to be easier to up and leave when she had run through her course of friends. How hard it must have been for him to have to explain in a small, tight-knit community like Western Union was. Why won't Joy come over any more? She used to be so close to all the girls and now she won't even return calls.

I don't know and of course I can't ask. But I do wonder.

Cold bed pans

2008-07-12T15:19:00.000-04:00

When I was in the 7th grade, my periods were terrible – so bad, that I could hardly get out of bed or keep any food down. I had to go to the doctor. He put me in the hospital. I missed enough of school that I got my one and only D in math. I also got several blood transfusions which made going to the bathroom impossible. I might not remember Mother and the cold bedpans at all except that our next door neighbor, Mrs. Rollo came to relieve her for a spell and during that period, I had to go to the bathroom. Mrs. Rollo warmed the bedpan for me to use. She didn’t make me use a cold one – she warmed it!

Captivity

2008-06-30T15:18:00.000-04:00

I must accept God's continual presence in my life as absolute fact! I am parched for him. I want to surrender completely to you. I am so saddened it has taken me this long to surrender.

Captivity is anything that keeps me from have the abundant and full life with God. Lord, I've been captive and didn't even know. Please break these chains and set me free. I want victory in Jesus. I don't want them to be words. I don't want triteness and pettiness. I want be free from this bondage.

God's presence

2008-06-21T15:17:00.000-04:00

Matthew 14:25-32
25And in (A)the [a]fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea.
26When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is (B)a ghost!" And they cried out in fear.
27But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "(C)Take courage, it is I; (D)do not be afraid."
28Peter said to Him, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water."
29And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
30But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "(E)You of little faith, why did you doubt?"
32When they got into the boat, the wind stopped.
God is present during the storm. God is present is this storm.

Realizations

2008-06-14T15:13:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about the letter mother sent to me about Ron. There is more to it than what's written on the paper. Divide and conquer themes run rampant.

It would not surprise me at all if the ulterior motive was to divide Ron and I. A split. Ultimate divorce. To make me distrust Ron too. She has never given any indication that she has did not love Ron as a son, that she did not trust him with everything in her life - including her life. AND then out of the blue he is untrustworthy and has been for years.

Now I struggle for real words - the ones that come out of my mouth. They are much easier to come off my fingers. This year to me has been amazing. I know I've said that at least once in this journal.

I probably would have kept taking the horrid treatment my mother kept dishing out except that she turned on my family. She turned on my baby first. This was harder to put together because of the distance in miles, but we did. Then she turned on Ann (actually, she turned on her again, but her behavior toward Ann during her move was so juvenile). You don't say things to your children like, "I know you think you love me."

Through all this, I've found that I've been distancing myself from her. I can't trust that anything I said would be interpreted appropriately or realistically. I've felt manipulated at every turn. In reality I've been manipulated my entire life. Then of course there was the letter about Ron. This was the final straw in my eyes.

He is struggling with severing the relationship completely. He is struggling because he is the kind and generous and loving man that I married. No, I take that back. He is more kind and more loving and more generous than he was. It is amazing to me that he can think about picking her up for church, but he can.

I do not want him to be alone with her. I do not trust her. I don't say this out of malice. I say this out of fact and self preservation. If she were anyone else, I would have severed the ties ages ago. I would have come to the conclusions that it has taken me this entire year to draw years ago if not decades ago.

I know now that God has used this year to draw me out and away from her so that I could sever the relationship when the time came. The hardest thing in all this is to recognize that your mother has used you for her own gains -- which I truly believe are to make everyone miserable because she is miserable. This is a shame, but it's not my shame.

To Know God and Believe Him

2008-05-31T15:11:00.000-04:00

God chose me to know him and to be his witness!

John 8:36
36"So if the Son (A)makes you free, you will be free indeed.
I have a personal relationship with Christ, but until this latest mess with mother came up, I had distanced myself from him. Why did I do that? He had not moved. I know it was me. I'd gotten busy. I'd been working on web stuff. I'd been looking for things to do. I'd been working on the house. I'd been empty.

So right now, I want to change the distance. I want to be in the middle of what I need to be in the middle of. I don't want to be satisfied with anything less than what God wants! I want to know God intimately.

Division

2008-05-17T15:10:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking back over my adult life at the division Mother has caused. It's been there ripe for the picking. I just didn't know it.

Comments that were frequently attributed to someone else.

Your grandmother even commented that your mother-in-law is going to be a handful.
Joe mentioned that he wondered why y'all had moved me out here and hadn't done more than you'd done.

She's got something else in mind, that little daughter-in-law of yours. You better watch out for her.

Those kinds of comments, looking back on them, were made for one purpose and one purpose only: to divide and conquer, to keep people from fully trusting one another, to create disharmony. She's a master of it.

Now, I want to let this go. I do. But I don't want to sweep it under the rug either. I don't want to excuse it or make it less than it is. I want to embrace it and understand who she is. I don't want to forget. I want to look her full in the face (or at least a photograph) and understand how she has manipulated our lives.

Laverne

2008-04-27T15:07:00.000-04:00

Laverne, my Dad's sister, left Arkansas as soon as possible and moved to San Francisco. She went to work for a shipper as his bookkeeper and rumor was that she became embroiled in some scandal involving the mob. Of course that rumor came to us through my mother. So that rumor served as a source to divide and conquer. Divide us from Laverne who I admired because she escaped.

When our grandfather died the scandal was used again. We couldn't go to the funeral. Who knows who would show up. We had to protect the boys. Like a lemming, I believed her. We didn't go. Did she use the same line with Ann? I need to ask. We were not talking much then, so I don't know for sure.

Laverne was in Colorado by the time my grandmother got ill. She quit her job and moved in with her to take care of her in her last days. Mother won't have this gift. Then when Daddy died, Laverne offered to move in with her. This seemed like a natural transition. They'd gotten along fairly well. Seemed like sisters. We'd not recognized Daddy (once again) for the buffer he'd been.

Things went smoothly for awhile. For awhile. Then we started to notice the comments. Mother didn't like the way Laverne hung the towels on the refrigerator. She didn't like the time of day she washed the clothes. She didn't like the clothes she wore to exercise. She didn't like the way she ate or drove or well, it didn't matter, she didn't like it. We were back to the best friends and then no friends. Before we knew it, Laverne was gone. Back to Colorado. Mother was alone and glad to have her house back. She'd made it clear that Laverne was a guest.

Can you imagine what Laverne's life had been like once Mother turned on her?

Adult Children of Abuse

2008-04-19T15:05:00.000-04:00

I didn't know this list existed. Ann found it one night when we were talking on the speaker phone. She should have been writing a paper. I was grading.

It is the 13 Characteristics of Adult Children. But it's not just alcoholics. All everyone who discusses abused families uses. It's that kind of list. So many organizations use is, I didn't even have to list a source. Just put Characteristics of Adult Children of Abuse in Google.

I've grown through some of these because of my relationship with a loving husband and a merciful God. But at one time, I had virtually all of them. So did Ann.

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

Drinking and Baptist Jobs

2008-04-18T10:28:00.000-04:00

Well, I just don't understand why the two are at odds.

If it said: Getting drunk and Baptist Jobs - I'd understand. BUT really, having a drink is not antiScriptual. But it is heritage and it's hard to shake heritage. I've been amazed at the contingent against it. I've been amazed at the groups that make scripture say that wine in the Bible isn't wine. Now I understand that wine was watered down in the Bible, that it wasn't the strength that is served today. But to say that drinking at all goes against Scripture. Sorry, just can't buy it.

Why am I bringing this up. Well, we've lost our Associate Headmaster. He wasn't perfect. We butted heads on more than one occasion. He made me mad a few times. I don't think he always heard what I had to say. But I think he had great potential when he wasn't being a bull in a china cabinet.

He had a drink in public. He's gone. He violated his contract.

Well, so have others. I don't imagine that every one has turned in their lesson plans on time or serve in positions of leadership in their churches. I know that some have missed staff prayer. I wonder if we went through contracts with a fine tooth comb what we'd find. I just wonder . . .

Crying

2008-04-05T15:02:00.000-04:00

I wish I could quit crying. There are times I am near breathless and I don't understand. This should come as relief. It seems quite unfair to have reached some of these decisions finally and still be in such emotional turmoil.

Mother's Car

2008-03-29T15:01:00.000-04:00

When Mother called me over to tell me her driver's license had expired, she wanted to sign her car over to Ron and I.

Wouldn't that be awkward in lieu of her letter . . .

Hindsight

2008-03-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

So much is clear in hindsight.

When Mother first moved here, I took her to all my doctors.

She liked Dr. Hudson, but they cheated her on the bill.
The nurses at the allergist talked ugly to her.
Her eye doctor in Arkansas was a nice guy but the gal that fitted her glasses spoke to her like she was ignorant.

The helped a young man with a loan and he quit paying it. When she went to see him, he wouldn't talk to her.

She's never had a job or volunteer job where the people didn't eventually turn on her.

This has played out dozens upon dozens of times. Here and there. Literally everywhere we've lived. It's not just friends. It's everyone.

Houston to Atlanta

2008-03-15T14:58:00.000-04:00

I was pregnant with Joe when Ron was transferred to Atlanta. The movers came the same day Joe did.

I stayed with my parents while Ron moved. He made arrangements for us to move out 17 days later. I was anxious to see him. Even under the best of circumstances, it's not your parents you want to be with when you have a newborn.

Now Ann was living with my grandmother and going to college. She had planned to come in the weekend after Ron was coming back to get us. Mother and Daddy let me have it. Ann had every right to meet this nephew of hers and I would stay. I was alone, defenseless, and didn't even have a room to go into and shut the door because I was staying in the living room. I really did sink into my shell.

I tried to explain to Ron. I knew he wouldn't understand and it was on the phone.

I recently told Ann and her response was, you've got to be kidding? Of course I would have liked to see Joe, but you guys needed to be together.

I was almost afraid they wouldn't take me to the airport. AND I was never so relieved to see anyone as I was to see my husband that day.

Ron

2008-03-06T14:57:00.000-05:00

Ron is not perfect. He would be the first one to tell you that. But he is kind and generous. He is generous when I am not. He has been oh so patient.

He has always been generous with my mother. He has taken her shopping for groceries and clothes, picked her up for church. He buys her air filters and changes them. He has changed light bulbs and moved furniture. He has paid for untold number of Sunday lunches and weeknight dinners.

There was a time I told people she loved Ron more than she loved me.

Pain

2008-02-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

I physically ache. My stomach aches. My chest aches - or is that my heart? I could crawl in the bed and cry. I keep crying in short little bursts like when I've slipped out of class to run to the bathroom and have to get back quickly. I feel betrayed all over again.

AND I'm kicking myself. Why did I think that because she was aging or because she needed us or because she moved here or any other reason that might change? That she might want a normal relationship. That she might be different this go round. What in the world was I thinking?

I feel loss. I have finally come to grips with the reality of what I never had. And it is painful.

Duke vs WFU

2008-02-18T11:22:00.000-05:00

I was at the game -- fully expected to see Duke beat the stuffing out of young WFU. Thought winning the the first half was a victory!

With 5 minutes to go, I was screaming. I was jumping. Ron kept saying, "we still have 5 minutes and it's Duke."

I kept saying, "enjoy the moment!" He still had a little smirk though - he couldn't help it. It was fun.

We had Duke customers in the box. Poor things - they came in fully expecting what I was expecting. They were so dissappointed and then when the Duke players started to foul out. One-by-one . . .

What's that on the court!?! Ahhhhh! the rush of Wake fans!

Dino, in the aftergame interview, he kept calling the players kids! Well, they are aren't they! All those freshmen and sophmores! And they beat Duke. I do realize this may be it, but man, they looked GOOD last night.

The Emotional Cripple

2008-02-08T14:55:00.000-05:00

This would be my dad. I know this is why he worked the way he did because at work he could shine. At home he was just one of the rest of us. He was abused like we were. He even escaped once and came back! Ann and I probably had something to do with that. He didn't stay gone long enough for us to adjust and we were stuck with mother. We didn't know then that we had any other choices than to be her children.

Daddy's childhood was emotionally crippling if not physically crippling. I'm sure of the first. The second is not so easy to discern. Every thing they owned was sold out from underneath them. PaPa left with other women. He moved off with at least one. Laverne left and moved half way across the country as soon as she could. Martha Jean, well, she's the one we strongly suspect sexual abuse with, but too much time as passed and too many ties have been broken.

Daddy's first wife favored his sisters we've been told. She drank. She ran around on Daddy. She gave him a son and verbally abused them both.

Mother and Daddy met at Western Union in Baton Rouge. Married, had me, led and idyllic life. Right. Daddy had a great need to be dependent on someone, to have his life organized for him, to be told what to do and when to do it. Mother had a great need to make people dependent on her. It was the perfect union.

After Daddy left and came back, Mother had everything, absolutely everything put in her name -- bank accounts, business, CDs, house, retirements. She had that right. He'd left. He'd not been honorable. He knew he was tied to her in unimaginable ways. One of Mother's new favorite stories was that she could just utter the words, "Travis, we need to talk," and Daddy would blanch. She loved the control.

The moment Daddy went back to mother, I realized how dependent he was on her. They were tied together with a gossamer thread, but not the pretty kind like you think of fairies using. This one is harsh and cold and unrelenting. This thread is the kind that nightmares is made of.

Sexual Abuse

2008-02-06T14:54:00.000-05:00

Mother was sexually abused by her grandfather while her mother watched. She's lied so much about so many things and I have only her word for this, but I believe her. It makes so many things right. It explains so much.

I don't even know if she remembers telling Ann and I -- not at the same time, but at different times. Once, when we were all here together in Winston Salem, after she'd moved, she told us in one of her pronouncements that she wanted to have sit down and explain some things to us that might help us understand her better. That's what made me think she'd forgotten that she'd ever told us. She wanted to tell us again. I cringed. There are some things you just don't want to hear. There are some hurts you are healing yourself and you don't have the strength to help your abuser heal.

The Young Couple

2008-01-27T14:51:00.000-05:00

There was one young couple in Fort Worth. I don't remember their names. They were fun. They laughed. She had the cutest hair and they had a little chihuahua. They had holes in the bottom of their car and I remember that I was always afraid that my shoes would fall off and land on the road.

He worked for Daddy.

They came over for dinner one night and admired the handiwork of some salt and pepper shakers that Daddy had made. The set was wooden and had little tiles around the middle. They were eight or nine inches tall. There was another set in the drawer and I told them about the other set.

Mother and Daddy both said, "NO."

I should have caught on, but I was a kid. A pretty small one if we were still in Fort Worth.

"Yes, there is. See!" And I hopped up to get them. Well what I ruined I didn't know, but I ruined it.

Later that couple quit coming over. Daddy said the young man stabbed him in the back. Typical. It was always something. I guess when I said that Daddy never had a friend I forgot this one. He behaved more like Mother than I thought. Best friends and then no friends.

The Ice Queen

2008-01-18T14:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not talking about the one from Narnia. I'm talking about the one in my memory. I'm not sure when I realized that's how I thought of her. It is sometime in recent history though.

Writing for LifeWay

2008-01-13T11:09:00.000-05:00

An inquiring mind at the BB *coughEdEdwardscough* wanted to know more about my writing years at LifeWay, so here is the story . . .

We were living in Marietta and I was a children's division director at a mega church and very active at the associational level. I had taken a group of preschool and children's teachers to Ridgecrest for training and one of the conferences was on writing. It was led by an adult editor. He did every thing possible to discourage anyone from writing as I recall. He made it sound grueling and boring and inconvenient and unrewarding. It is all those things - except for the unrewarding.

At the end of the meeting, he handed out cards for us to fill out for our age division if we were possibly interested. I think I was one of a handful. He was a very good discourager

Not too long after that I got a phone call from the editor of Bible Discoverers, Louise Hobson and was assigned to my first writer's conference. Lots of changes happened during my time writing, and I about 8-9 years ago, I made the switch completely to the Media Center, so now I'm completely out of the loop.

When I first started, the KJV was still being used, not too long after that, we got an NIV-KJV parallel and used both in all the lessons. I know they use the HCSV now but that was after my time.

At that time, there were two writers for each unit. The unit writer who worked with children in Bible study and a Bible background writer who was either an adult Sunday School teacher or a Pastor. I had the great fortune of always being able to write my own Bible background. I don't know how that worked out, but it did. Later, all writers got to write their own Bible background.
In the children's area, we would have a writer's conference. Bible Learners, Discovers, Searchers all conferenced together at the same time. Family Bible Series - Children usually conferenced at another time. We were given our assigned scripture and we had to come in with a pre-assignment which changed depending on the layout of the curriculum - but would include a variety of ideas that we charted to make sure that there wasn't too much overlap. Some overlap was inevitable, but we really did try to minimize it.

At the conferences, we would work in large groups, we would work one-on-one with the editor, and we would work in our quarter groups. All the time we were trying to eliminate duplication. Those of you who use the curriculum wonder what happened I know - it's hard. There are only so many things that can be done in a single Sunday, so many ways to present a lesson, so many ways to get the kids actively involved . . .

The first year I wrote, I'd write a lesson and send it in. Louise would make corrections and call me. We'd argue ( ), I'd fix what she'd told me to fix, and resubmit it. Because I worked so closely with her on that first unit, I was asked to immediately come back. And soon I was writing two units a year for Discovers. And then I started writing for two publications - Discoverers and Searchers and doing some work for Learners in other capacities, and then I started writing for Family Bible series and picking up pieces for the children's magazines.

Writing curriculum is not like other kinds of writing. You write it, you submit it, they do what they want with it, and it is published. You are very removed from the process after you submit your work. You also work a year or two in advance. I remember one year, for my Bible background I'd written an intro about Anwar Sadat and I didn't know it had been cut until it the material was published. When I called the editor to find out why, I was told that she had good reasons at the time. This is one of the drawbacks of this kind of writing. At the time, she was a new editor and I was an experienced writer. I remember how unhappy I was because it was a strong intro for the background.

One of the things I really enjoyed were rewrites. One year, the powers that be decided to redo the curriculum in the middle of the year. Six of us were brought in to rewrite two year's worth of curriculm in a week on computers in conference rooms to the new format. And a couple of times, I got to rewrite curriculum that was turned in but not usuable.

I always wrote on a computer, but at first, I still mailed in a manuscript, then I mailed in a manuscript and a disc, then a disc, then I emailed it.

Again, I haven't done this in 10 years, so I don't know what's going on now.

OH and when I started, it wasn't LifeWay, but the Baptist Sunday School Board. Now I feel very dated.

Presents

2008-01-12T14:50:00.000-05:00

Presents were odd things.

First of all, sometimes they were hand-me-downs. If Mother and Daddy got a replacement, Ann and I knew that the old would show up as a gift.

Second of all, we didn't get taken shopping. One year we made net hangers for gifts and Daddy asked what I was going to get Mother for Christmas. Why he asked I didn't know. I'd made her a set of net hangers and told him so.

"How do you think that will make her feel? That's what y'all made everyone else."

There was no offer to take me shopping. I didn't make an allowance anyway. I rewrote a poem I'd written for school and scrounged around and found a frame. It was the only gift I remember giving.

Emergency Room Visits

2008-01-09T22:07:00.003-05:00

I had to take Ruth to the emergency room today. She didn't make it to Chapel. Who spoke, what was said, I don't remember. I got back to my classroom and Pam was waiting for me. Ruth is at the office and I'm to take her to the hospital. She's having chest pains.

So I spend a few minutes readying things for a sub to walk in behind me and off I go. We are of course sisters having been through this before. I am the natural one to take her.

They get her into an ER cubical. She is hooked up, wired up, NitroGlycerined up. She is probed, poked. Lunch time comes and goes. I know the school is waiting for an answer but we have none to call them with. We are both starving. She can't eat. Well, in reality, I can't either because there is nothing to eat. mmmmm We finally break the rules and call our husbands and the school to report . . . nothing whatsoever.

The highlight of the day was when they brought in some machine to do something (the day is such a blur that I don't remember exactly what test it was for) and the doctor said, "This will never do, she's much too tiny for this!" We both rolled with that after all the trouble she'd gone through to lose weight!

Way after dinner time, they announce that they have a room for her. Just precautionary as she's not had a heart attack. They are sure her chest pains are related to her surgery. After getting her settled in the room, I head back to church to close down her classroom, pick up her things and deliver her car to the house. I drop my bag in the parking lot (I am carrying two sets of things - briefs, purses - and she parks on the other side of the world from me). A woman passes by and says, "Awww, too bad." I know I scowl. She of course has no idea the length of my day.

Have I mentioned how wonderful Ron is lately? He picks me up from Ruth's house and takes me out for a long awaited meal. What was it? Doesn't matter! It was warm, filling and with him.

The Baby Primary

2008-01-08T11:19:00.000-05:00

This was cute.

http://www.slate.com/id/2181495/slid...entry/2181476/

They don't all look incredibly comfortable holding babies . . . *ahem*

Scouts

2008-01-05T14:48:00.000-05:00

Now Daddy was Scout Master. I can see him in his uniform. One evening I burnt my tongue on too-hot hot chocolate and he put a slab of cold butter on it. He was in his scout uniform.

I remember the scouts coming to the house, mowing the yard. I watched them from my bedroom window when I was just a squirt supposed to be napping.

I stuck my hand in a wasp's nest once when he was ready to leave for scouts and he put a baking soda paste on it.

The Beach

2007-12-26T14:46:00.000-05:00

Ann remembers going to the beach.

I love the beach. Why can't I remember going to the beach?

Chattanooga

2007-12-20T14:45:00.000-05:00

When I was little, we made one move to Chattanooga. We lived in a trailer in a trailer park. Apparently we weren't going to be there very long.

It was before Ann was born.

There was only one bedroom and the bed was so big that the door wouldn't shut. That's where I slept. The bedspread was pink. Mother and Daddy slept on a couch that wasn't a sleeper bed but more like and old timey futon. It just kind of laid down into a bed. I only remember Daddy in the mornings.

In my memories, the trailer park is deserted except for one woman. She must have been the manager. I remember leaves and a pool. I remember mother and I going to a park - just the park as if from a distance. Not that we did anything just that we were there. I don't remember swings or slides or sand. Just a park.

Lunch out!

2007-12-19T21:46:00.005-05:00

Well, this just doesn't happen very often for school teachers! Lunch out and at the Piedmont Club even!

It was a bit late at 1:30, but the students didn't leave until noon. It was scrumptious and we had entertainment even. Lovely event.

Ruth missed it though, she's prepping for her surgery. It would, of course, been better with her.

Full Disclosure

2007-12-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

Nothing was ever discussed fully.

You want to go to college? OK, apply. That was my college talk.

Daddy had open heart surgery and I found out after he'd had it.

Your Father's been married before. I was a teenager when I found that out. Something was about to happen. mmmm Maybe that was the year I had a brother. Maybe that was the year his exwife called everyday.

Mother made Barbie clothes. She also sold them - that I didn't know until I saw my next door neighbor with the same Barbie clothes I had. She'd gotten hers from Santa. I told her where they really came from. Shouldn't have done that.

Information was doled out in bits and pieces or no pieces. Just enough to make you wonder what was happening. Just enough to keep everyone on their toes.

I spent a lot of time in my room.

Anger

2007-12-08T14:28:00.000-05:00

I was angry. My dad was angry. I doubt he knew it. He ground his teeth down to stubs. He had a bleeding ulcer. He threw things. He slammed things. I learned from a master. If I had to be like a parent, and in reality we most always do, then I would be like my dad.

So I boiled. I baked. I steamed. I broke things. Small things. Big things. I could pop a pencil in two really fast. I broke a microwave door once. I'm not embarrassed by that anymore. It's part of my distant past.

So in what other way did God draw me to him?

When the kids were older children or early teens, I heard someone use the verse about the sins of the fathers being visited on the next seven generations. I heard seven. Maybe they said seven.

Here's the actual Scripture: (Exodus 34:6-7) - "Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; 7who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations."

These verses really bothered me and I didn't know why. I mulled over them. I didn't know why I couldn't put them down. They bothered me for a long time. It just didn't seem fair that we were held responsible for the things our parents or grandparents did. But the reality is that some sins are reflected in a vicious cycle. Now you probably know the what & why that I didn't. I hadn't given everything to God. I held my anger like a badge. I deserved to be angry! BUT I had to give it up. It had to be sacrificed at his feet, in his name, and for his glory. If my desire was to please him. If I wanted my children not to bear the scars that I have, then it had to stop. I claim victory. AND he gives victory!

The Drawing Power of God

2007-11-25T14:25:00.000-05:00

Because I do not mention God in every entry does not mean his presence is not always there. It is. He has sustained me in ways I cannot fathom. When I give Ron credit, I am crediting God for placing Ron in my life. Please know that!

I accepted Christ as my Savior as a child, but as a child, time is meaningless. I did not have role models. My parents did not go to church until we moved to Houston and then going to church meant working at church - fulfilling roles - doing the jobs assigned. Going to church never meant worship. Every church had a myriad of things wrong with it. Every staff member, like every friend, was perfect until they were not.

I left home as soon as I could. I left church right after. I was rebellious. But God was not nearly as finished with me as I was with him. I knew something was desperately wrong. I was empty. And as much as I wanted to escape my parents, I was pulled to them like the old proverbial moth to a flame. They were going to Tallowood, so I decided to go there too.

An amazing thing happened. During the invitation, I felt the God's draw. Now the only way to respond that I knew of was to walk the aisle but I became physically ill. Should I go despite the strong desire to be sick or should I stay in my seat. I felt the drawing. I had to go despite the physical discomfort. As soon as I started to walk, the physical discomfort left and a renewed life began. A time of rededication. A time of yearning, of learning, of surrender. I understood what Paul meant when he talked about the carnal man and the new man. In this period, I became active in the singles department. I met other young people who loved the Lord. I met Ron. In my mind, the two events are intertwined -- meeting Ron and surrender to Christ.

But I hadn't surrendered everything. I just thought I had.

The Fiasco

2007-11-23T14:23:00.000-05:00

This is the event that began to bring my mother's true colors to light for the rest of the family. This is the time when my sister and I solidified the relationship that had begun to come together in December. This is the moment that I realized when I remembered, what I remembered wasn't skewed. It just wasn't right or normal.

January was a difficult month for me migraine-wise. I thought I'd lose my mind. I had 16 days of full-fledged migraines. In the middle of this my mom called. We had just gotten back from a trip to see Joe and Blythe and she wanted to know if they'd talked about her.

"No," I said.

"I'm not surprised."

"Why?"

"They've defaulted on a loan that I made them."

It seems that they needed some money to sit in the bank for their loan approval. $4000, and they asked Mother. She agreed. The loan was for two months. Mother said they were two months late and she called Joe about it before we went to see them and Joe yelled at her. He told her he had no intention of paying the loan. That she'd made it as a gift to them.

Well, this was all a surprise to me. I sputtered a few things. I wasn't sure what I said. I tried to stay as neutral as possible. Ron was out of town. Mother said that she had an appointment with a lawyer and that at the very least she intended to ruin Joe's credit. She intended to ruin his credit? This is her grandchild she's talking about isn't it? I mumble a few things trying still to remain neutral, yet supportive. I wanted to hang up.

I couldn't call Ron because I know he's at a dinner, so I sent him an email. He needed to know in case something happened. Turned out that Ron had talked with Joe over the weekend. Joe had agreed to pay Mother back by the end of January.

After Joe talked with both of us, he called Mother. Mother was very short with him, but we have the phone records that he's called. Good thing.

In the meantime Mother mailed us a copy of the check. The check was dated November 8. This is very interesting. How can it be two months overdue if is was dated November 8 and now is just mid-January? Joe said that they had a verbal agreement for payment at the end of January. He's upset over her behavior. Blythe is upset. Ron and I are caught dead center.

The next Sunday we went out to eat. At this point Mother said she needed to talk with us.

"OK."

"I know I was a foolish old woman for loaning Joe the money, but you weren't completely honest with me."

"What?" we ask.

"I'm not going to say anything else," she says.

"You can't drop that bombshell in our laps and quit talking."

"I'm finished with this discussion," she replies.

Now this is common for her. She makes a jab and retreats. But I'm not a kid anymore. I've come to grips with lots of things in my adult life and I don't let up. And Ron's sitting there too. It's not just me anymore.

"The night I called Bitsy, she said, 'You'd think he'd outgrow that kind of thing by now.' You should have told me he had a history of not repaying his debts."

Well! I don't even remember saying that! I was just forming sentences. I was just stringing words. I was trying for noncommittal. So much for that effort. I tried to explain that wasn't what I meant. Ron and I had already shared with her before lunch about how bad a month January had been. We'd already told her about all the migraines, about the different meds, about the crying fits, about the night we got in the car to go to a Wake game with customers and he had to bring me home because I couldn't stop crying and she latched on to one phrase I said.

"You're right. I'm just a stupid old woman." She actually said that.

At this lunch, we told her that we'd talked to Joe and that he told us he'd called her. She called him a liar. We had his cell phone records though. He wasn't the one lying. We also had the copy of the check she said she never got.

We tried to placate her, but this was the beginning of the end. She wrote her grandchild off. If we were Jewish, he'd be dead.

New Traditions

2007-11-22T21:40:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving Day a new way.

We spent it at Joe and Blythe's and had a lovely time and a lovely meal. Brandon stayed there. Ron and I stayed in a hotel.

The day started EARLY - we picked Brandon up at the crack of dawn. Well way before the crack of dawn at the airport and then drove to Greenville.

New traditions for changing family.

Harsh Realities

2007-11-18T14:20:00.000-05:00

When Daddy had his first heart attack. I was in the 11th grade.

I didn't know how much we needed him as a family. I didn't know how much he protected us from Mother.

Mother said that she prayed him back to life. That she prayed to God for him to live because she could not raise these girls alone.

I knew that God had spared him. I later knew that God had spared him because he protected Ann and I from the severities of living with Mother.

What I didn't realize until this year was that I would have been OK. Please don't get me wrong! I benefited! My life was far easier because Daddy lived! But God kept Daddy alive for Ann. I had just turned 17. Ann was 10! Can you imagine what the next 7 or 8 years would have been like for her? I left as soon as I could escape. She would have been left. Alone.

This is a harsh reality.

Authority Figures and Abuse

2007-11-10T13:13:00.000-05:00

The following comes from a website called nothing more than Emotional Abuse. Charming title don't you think? It aptly describes my mother. My sister and I cried through it. Well, we've cried through a lot lately, why not this?

Authority figures (AF) can be parents, partners, teachers, principals, supervisors, religious figureheads, cult leaders, etc. Dependents can be children, partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc. What matters is that there is a power imbalance and a dependence of some sort, whether physical, financial, "spiritual," psychological or emotional.

AF's are the masters of dependents.
AF's alone decide what is right and wrong.
They alone make up the definitions, the rules, and the "consequences" (i.e. punishment)
Dependents are held responsible for the AF's feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness and unhappiness)
The AF is only responsible and accountable for good things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the AF' appears to always be in the right and when things go wrong, the dependent is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.
The AF tries to exercise total control of the dependent by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever this control is not absolute, the AF feels threatened.
The dependent's individuality is minimized as much as possible by the AF.
The AF creates an intricate system of punishments and rewards which rob the dependent of any sense of inner direction and esteem.
The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to the dependent as much as possible:
The freedom to perceive
- To think and interpret
- To feel
- To want, need, and chose
The AF never (or rarely) admits mistakes or apologizes.
All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the AF's true motives and none of this is openly talked about. No "back talk" is allowed

Some of the Consequences

· Mistakes are concealed

· People are under constant stress

· Needs are frustrated, denied

· Fear dominates

· Power is based on fear, not respect

· Information is withheld and distorted

· Information flow is primarily from top down

· Behavior is forced; does not come naturally

· Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress

· Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor attitudes" and "character flaws."

All of this tears the dependent person apart, causing self-alienation and even self-loathing. The dependent person loses faith in his/her own mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences. Depression, rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are typical outcomes. If the authority figure is a parent the person will likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anoexia, Bulemia etc.

The Move and After

2007-11-03T12:19:00.000-04:00

My mom had been talking about moving to Winston Salem almost since the day my dad died. She talked about moving to Little Rock first. That's where my sister was. She offered to buy a townhouse for my sister. My sister wisely said no knowing that one day mother would call that favor and move in.

About five or six years ago, when mother came out, she asked to start looking at condos. She actually put a hold on some new units over by Wake Forest but let that lapse. I figured it was just talk and wasn't worried about it. I was in no hurry for this to happen.

Then she got sick. One winter she got pneumonia or something as serious, and in her version of events, no one would take her to the doctor. She was so sick she crawled around the house, so she decided to move here so that Ron and I could take care of her if she ever got that sick again.

She wanted to move into the boy's rooms with the bathroom in between. We told her that wouldn't work. The boy's weren't finished coming home. They'd not graduated from college/grad school yet. Even when they did we'd like for them to have a place to stay. There was a unit right across the street from us. That would be nice -- a little close but nice. She could walk over for dinner occasionally, go to the grocery store or shopping with us. She wasn't interested in that though, so we looked for something else and she eventually found something by the church.

Now the adventure began.

Ron offered to fly out and drive back out here with her, but Mother would never give us a firm date. She got Ann to do it instead and she'd been fussing that we weren't there helping. When she got to Winston Salem, she had no idea when the moving van would get here. It was almost a week later.

She wanted to help in the Media Center so I got Kathleen to train her, but she never would start working. She went to Sunday School with Ruth Ann once and talked about how terrible the teacher was, so she never went again. She signed up to work in Children's Bible Fellowship, but she complained about Sherri and the people in her class all year. She went to one of the Senior Adult Luncheons, but no one called her, so she didn't go back. She wanted to work in Children's Choir, so I introduced her to Gale Foster. I guess they didn't know they were supposed to call her either. This past year, she has gone to a class of very old women and felt at home, but she's made no friends.

She has made very good friends with two women in her complex, Barbara and Mary Ellen.

The week school started, Ron gets a phone call from Mother while he is on the golf course. She's upset, but too upset to talk. He calls me, I call her. I go over. I call Ann before I go. I don't know what I'll meet. We pray.

She's miserable. She's got no friends. She's lonely. Her driver's license has expired. She can't pass the test. She wants to go home. She's never been in such debt.

She's been telling Ann all this with a whispered "Don't tell Ron and Bitsy," so I know, but I don't know.

I walk her through. "Where's home?"

"Arkansas."

"If we could get you there, would that make you happy?"

"I don't know. I don't have anywhere to stay now."

"What if we could find somewhere for you to stay?"

I asked enough questions to circle it back down to the fact that her drivers license has expired. Now she let this happen, but I don't bring that up. She's known since she moved here it would happen. She took it twice in the first week she was here and failed it. She said she went again but can't pinpoint for us when that other time was. She waited until the week school starts to make an issue over it when it expired on her birthday in July. The timing is suspicious . . .

I took her out to eat lunch when all was said and done. I asked her if she'd like to try a different Sunday school class with one of my friends. Ruth Ann's class has a new teacher and they have raved about her. That teacher is a friend of mine too. Maxine's teacher is excellent. How would that be? Oh, that would be wonderful! Both ladies have taken mother's number. I brought Mother in so they could work out the details. Told them both she'd not made friends where she was. Told them that she'd like to go with either of them. Where is she? Why isn't she here this week? I don't know. I can't make her come. I appreciate your efforts.

Mother said that she thought about going to a driving school. I told her that was an excellent idea. I would find one for her to go to. She wanted my help preparing for the test. I told her I'd make flash cards if I could take her book. This was Friday afternoon. Sunday morning she asked for her book back. I hadn't gotten flash cards made yet because it was the first week of school. She asked Ron to make sure she got to the grocery store each week. He said he'd do that. I gave her the school's name and number I found that was conveniently located so that Ron and I could get her there.

The students returned on Wednesday. Ron called the next Saturday and took Mother to the grocery store on that day. Sunday he picked her up for church after he dropped me off as is our custom and we went out for lunch. Monday she called and asked about school. This caught me off guard. For a few minutes she acted like she cared. Then she said, "I'm going to put some pressure on you. I need some help with this test. Will you help me?" Ann had been here over the weekend. She'd drilled Mother all weekend, but I hadn't done enough. We picked her up for dinner, and Ron casually asked her when her drivers license expired and she actually said it had a few more days on it. She lied. He said, why don't you see if you can get your Arkansas license renewed online. I suggested he try to do that for her while she was over our house. When he looked it up, the instructions said that it expired on the birth date and he read that to her. She had to admit then that it was expired.

He drilled her while I fixed dinner. She hasn't called the driving school. She has no intention of calling them. She got someone else to take her to the grocery store the next weekend.

Ron called twice the morning of the letter. He most likely won't call again.

Ann

2007-10-28T12:17:00.000-04:00

I have a sister.

It's true I do. For years no one would have known it necessarily because I didn't talk about her much. There is six and a half years difference between us. We didn't run in the same circles growing up, so of course friends didn't overlap. We didn't talk much as adults. We lived and learned about each other through my mother. Isn't that a very odd way of doing things. It's the way my mother set it up.

This past Christmas we got a chance to talk and started to rebuild some bridges - still not understanding why they needed RE-building.

The reason for the need started to become clear near the end of January and early February. Our Mother had been the master puppeteer. She guided and directed and shared stories and items and tidbits that were designed to keep us apart. Stories that had a basis in reality but which were not true.

We've had to apologize to each other multiple times. We believed her! Why wouldn't you believe your mother. You are supposed to be able to believe your mother. I think we've gotten past that apologizing for not trusting that the other would know better, do better, act better -- but just past it. Now we've started to apologize for the hurt she's inflicted - the pain she's caused. The pain she can still cause.

Friendships

2007-10-25T08:36:00.000-04:00

I didn't see the evidence of friendships growing up.

My Dad had no friends.

My Mom had friends, but as soon as a disagreement arose, they were gone. They were best friends and then they were no friends. I don't know how to describe the feeling of this, especially if they had a girl that was my friend.

Learning friendships as an adult has been terribly difficult. I've got them, but they've been few. They've been precious.

There is Rita. What would I have done without the Myers and Rita growing up. I can't imagine. How would I have made it through my teenaged years without having had the Myers's house as a refuge? Did they even know? I haven't talked to Rita in years, but I think of her so often. I need to try to find her.

There is Sharon. She was my first friend in Atlanta. Our children were best friends for years. We can pick up at the drop of a hat. It amazes me how God brought us together and keeps us bonded over the time periods that we miss.

There is Wendy. We talk daily. We talk about spiritual matters, educational matters, family matters. I can't think of anything that is out of bounds.

There are my friends at CBDS. Now this is amazing to me, because before I started working here, I counted my friends on one hand. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I'd ever have more than one or two friends at time. I'd never seen it modeled. I didn't think it could be done. I didn't know that a group of men and women could love and care for each other through Jesus Christ in friendship. Most especially, there are my precious, precious friends who have listened to my scarred past and hurts and have hugged me and cried with me and have loved me unconditionally.

Irony

2007-10-22T12:22:00.000-04:00

September 7 I had a migraine that Imitrex didn't help, so I came home and went to bed. These migraines are exhausting. My face stays numb, my head continued to ache even when the migraine itself goes away.

So when Ron brought the mail in and said, you have a letter from your Mother, I asked him to read it - I just didn't have the strength myself.

I knew that eventually, the past would have to meet the present. I'd already been thinking about the things that would have to be addressed - a mental laundry list if you will, but the fact that I'd just written about letters and then one presented itself was almost too much to handle.

Then we get the letter. This one was scathing. She loved and trusted Daddy. Daddy had told her before he died to never trust Ron. She should not have let us move her out here. We moved her out here with dishonest intentions. Where did that come from? We did not move her out here. That was her decision. She would not even tell us when so that Ron could fly out and drive out with her like he offered. We do not come over enough, we do not do enough, we do not spend enough, we are not there enough. She is going to see a pastor at our church.

Is that last line a threat? It's hard to tell with the fantasy the letter is. Mother loved Daddy? She trusted him? Daddy didn't like or trust Ron? OH my goodness!

What would she like to see? Us not go on business trips? Ron not drive a company car? We tell her where we are going and why we are going and yet she still tells Ann that we never tell her anything or that it's been three weeks since we've seen her.

Then there's the part about us moving her out here. She announced to us that she wanted to move out to be near us so that she would be near someone in case she got sick again. She'd had pneumonia the winter before and was all alone and it scared her! I told several friends at work how uncomfortable I was with the idea.

This is typical of how she operates. Expectations that she has kept secret, but expects you to know. She dumps them on you ceremoniously and then expects life to go on as usual. Well it can't. How do you do that when she tells you that she doesn't trust the man you've adored for almost 30 years?

I'll go forward, but I won't be abused. That's one thing I've learned in 2007.

The messiest house in town

2007-10-20T08:35:00.000-04:00

That would be our house. You really needed to see it to believe it. Mother always said it was Daddy's fault. Well eventually Daddy died and it was evident that it wasn't Daddy's fault.

We had stuff everywhere for as long as I can remember. It wasn't as bad when we were in El Paso, but there was still stuff. I remember a day when Mother entered my room and told me it was a pig sty. "What?" I thought. "How is my room different from everywhere else?" A that point I made a decision to be different - to be neat. I picked up every little thing angrily thinking that I would show her that should would never have to tell me to pick up anything again and she didn't.

In Houston, things were always messy. Ann made the comment recently that when company came, literally everything got shifted to Mother and Daddy's room. That was housekeeping. When they moved to Arkansas, things were so bad that you had to move stacks of things to have a place to sit or to eat at the table. When Daddy died, the floor was caked in dog hair.

Sometime near the end of last year, I asked a friend with experience in this field what that kind of housekeeping meant and she suggested undiagnosed depression. This could well be. Mother's been desperately unhappy for as long as I can remember. Daddy was a terrible disappointment. Most of her friends didn't live up to her expectations. Goodness knows Ann and I haven't, so it's entirely possible. Undiagnosed depression could explain some things.

Isolation

2007-10-12T08:34:00.000-04:00

When I got in trouble, there was never a discussion. There was almost always a letter. I knew when I got home from school and there was a letter sitting on my bed that I'd done something that would let me know that had disappointed my again. It would tell me the infraction and the punishment which was usually some period of isolation in my room. We never talked about it.

I don't remember ever what I did. But I do remember the letters and how my heart sank with each one.

Preparing to Sell

2007-10-10T15:15:00.000-04:00

I've been taking pictures of items to sell on eBay. I thought it would be hard. It's not been. I thought Ron might object -- even at first. He's not.

It's amazingly freeing to clean things up and package them in ways to sell - especially things associated with someone who has squeezed all the love out of your feelings and left them full of nothing but hurt and pain.

One thing this has brought back to haunt me though is one of the 13 characteristics that I suffer from dreadfully: Following a project through from beginning to end. I'm great at starting them. I'm full of plans, but it's hard to get past a certain point. I think it's fear.

I've got to do this though.

Cleaning House

2007-10-05T15:03:00.000-04:00

I am literally cleaning house.

This is not just a mental exercise but a physical one as a well. Ron came home yesterday and said, "Oh my goodness." That surprised me because it's my phrase in this home.

Mother's given us lots of things over the years. Not new things, of course. Things that had been hers that she no longer wanted. Things that she had replaced with something new. I had them tucked away. I pulled them out. There were quite a few of them.

I started with an partial inventory, then I called Replacements.

Then I looked on Ebay.

Then I called Brenda. Again.

I think I'll stop by Barnes and Noble and get a book to take on the trip to this convention (another lavishly viewed trip, I'm sure) to read in the car. There were a good number of them on Amazon on how to sell things on Ebay. I bet I can find one at the book store that will teach me the ropes.

It's time to clean house.

Introvert or Extrovert

2007-10-05T08:33:00.000-04:00

For years, I thought I was an introvert. Really! People who know me now are shocked to hear this. I was insecure. I was quiet. I did have bursts of occasional loudness, but they were few and far between. I was easily intimidated. On the Meyers-Briggs, I was a high I. I have the tests to prove it. I can pull them out for you.

The fact of the matter is that I'm not an introvert. I'm an extrovert and a fairly high one at that! Imagine what it took to squelch a social being, a communicator, the teacher who acts out columns, the one not afraid to go to the headmaster and say, "what?" into a wall flower, a child afraid to peep, with few friends.

When I say my memories began with Ron, I mean my very life began with Ron. He prodded me, he poked me, he pushed me. He made me realize that I am loved and I realized then that God probably really loved me too and that the commitment I'd made to Him years ago wasn't a sham like the life my family had always lived, but it could be real and sustaining like my life with Ron was. The two events are intertwined. Rededication and meeting Ron.

Slowly, this self-imposed shell fell away.

Affairs of the Heart

2007-09-27T08:31:00.000-04:00

I don't know if affairs are really of the heart. What I do know is that they are heart-wrenching. My dad was what is fondly known as a philanderer. Where in the world did that term come from? Sounds dashing doesn't it? Well, it's not.

I didn't always know that my dad ran around on my mom. I knew their relationship was almost always strained. I thought that was how everyone's marriage was. It wasn't until I was 19 or 20 that I knew for sure . Daddy was a graduate assistant for Dale Carnegie courses and there was a woman in one of his courses, Ruth. She was older, divorced, attractive, and Daddy began spending a lot of time with her. He helped her do all the things a single woman needed help with. She had a cute little single sister and he helped her too. He confided in me. What a treat to find out that what you suspected was true. He loved her. He loved Mother, but he loved her. Wow.

Now the only parent to whom I could talk had put me in a position in which I could no longer talk with him. I was so disappointed. He needed someone, I knew he did. Mother was impossible, but this was not right and it wasn't right for him to tell me! What in the world was he thinking!

He had one other affair that I knew about for sure. This one was with a woman named Dixie. Dixie worked in the office with Daddy. She was not attractive or cute, but she was available. Daddy actually left Mother for Dixie and moved in with her. I was older now. Ann was the same age I'd been before. Amazing coincidence huh? AND you know what else? He told Ann about it! What makes a man want to tell his daughters about his affairs?

I had the boys and we were in Atlanta. Mother and Daddy had moved to Dallas and Daddy left Mother. Pretty despicable. Lower than I thought Daddy could stoop. Lower than even Mother deserved. She drove out to stay with us for a while and he cleaned out a couple of their checking accounts. I didn't think he had it in him. He was always the generous one. He was always the one to make sure everyone was taken care of.

They reconciled eventually. Did Daddy stop? I doubt it.

I remember when I first came to grips with the fact that my childhood wasn't normal thinking that the reason for this was that my dad was a philanderer. Now I know that this wasn't the entire reason. It took me a while to realize why I thought that. My entire adult life, and possibly long before, that's what I'd been told. It's not true, but it's what I'd been told. It is part of the truth but not the entire truth.

Birthdays and Christmases

2007-09-20T08:27:00.000-04:00

As a kid, I remember one birthday. I'm not sure how old I was but we were in Houston. My Mother's mom had had a nervous breakdown. It was so memorable, that I don't remember whether my folks were in Texarkana or whether they were back home. I just remember that MaMa Beall had that nervous breakdown and they'd been gone.

I remember one childhood Christmas. We left Fort Worth to move to El Paso over the holidays. We had a little net tree in the car and I got a Dating Game. Daddy got strep throat and I remember them complaining because he went to a charity hospital and he had to wait and wait and wait. Finally he asked who he had to pay to see someone and he got to see someone really fast.

When I was in the 11th Grade right before Thanksgiving, my dad had a massive heart attack. I remember that Christmas because I didn't think I'd have another with him. He was home by Christmas though. I was grateful.

When I turned 18, we had a football game that night and my friends Rita and Annette and I went to the game and then out for dinner. I don't remember where we went afterwards! I do remember sitting in the stands and cheering. They got me a corsage with streamers. One of those big ones in the school colors with the school names on it. We went out to the parking lot arm in arm when it was over.

Faded Photographs

2007-09-15T08:24:00.000-04:00

I have said for ages that my life started when I married Ron. I did not say it lightly. I did not say it in the biblical sense -- for a man shall leave his family and cleave to his wife. I really mean it. Essentially, my memories begin with Ron. My sister will mention an event and I look at her blankly. She gives surrounding details and I still don't remember.

Consider a photo album that has been through a flood. Pictures have been blurred and faded. You can pick out details if you look hard enough. You can remember the surrounding events if you spend enough time with each page. And occasionally a picture is remarkably, amazingly, astoundingly clear. The time-line is odd and disjointed. Dates come in and out in a jumbled fashion. You are young, you are old. It is yesterday, it is years ago.

My sister and I have been loosely estranged for years. The reasons will become clear as I write, I hope, I'm sure, they must. That's part of the purpose of this journey. Some things must be dealt with. Some things can't stay hidden. The question is, can the faded become clear?

Josh McDowell

2007-08-28T22:28:00.001-04:00

Josh McDowell was at Calvary Baptist Day School today.

Pretty significant event and it took tons of work to make it happen. He spoke to the 8th grade up and didn't mince many words with them. In the evening, he spoke to the parents and minced even fewer words with them.

Long day, I'm pooped.

The Kitchen

2007-07-27T20:39:00.000-04:00

The main living area seemed the place to start and the kitchen for some reason grabbed my attention first. So, I stripped the wallpaper, scraped off the popcorn ceiling (not for the feint of heart), primed, painted, and hung new blinds.

Here's what I started with. It didn't look bad, I'd just been looking at it for about eight years and it was starting to show some wear and tear. The trim was starting to discolor, the paper was peeling just a bit at the edges, and my tastes have changed!

The Before Pictures

The Inbetween Pictures

Middle of the road. Ceiling wasn't hard, but boy did it make a mess. It was a constant clean up so it wouldn't become such a big job (and I didn't want to track it into the rest of the house).

The After Pictures

I was very happy with the end results! I had a few moments when I wasn't sure how the color would really turn out, but I was really happy with overall look.

Skip Prosser

2007-07-26T15:08:00.000-04:00

Skip Prosser died at age 56. And it hit close to home. I saw the man in person week in and week out in winter. I saw him on TV even more. I drove by Wake Forest on a nearly daily basis. I've taken classes on campus. I took kids to competitions there. I have friends who are graduates. He was four years younger than my husband. We have less than the six degrees of separation.

I could hardly wait until Ron got home to tell him dozens of things that night. I love him. He means the world to me. He's my partner, my encourager, OH how the list could go on and on. God's gift that I never expected. He knows those things, but I had to tell him because the fact of the matter is that like Nancy Prosser, tomorrow, Ron could go to work and I could get that phone call. Or it could be the other way around.

I don't want to take him for granted.

Another father charged in family tragedy

2007-06-23T10:59:00.000-04:00

There is only one answer to this and that is Jesus - A real, saving-grace, knowledge of Him. I had to add that because apparently this father went to church.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/l...l=chi-news-hed

Tim Russert and Where?

2007-04-27T10:56:00.000-04:00

from the evening newsI didn't see it. Another teacher told me about it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=PWcjBDza0zI

This one has a little more surrounding verbage

http://youtube.com/watch?v=M0yQ83xeluI

(I'm not immune from this btw. I make my fair share of mistakes and frequently have to say, "please let me begin again.")

Another Kitchen Project

2007-04-20T17:48:00.001-04:00

When we first moved into the townhouse, all the appliances were original. The stove was one of the first things that had to be replaced. The original was a single unit microwave/stove, and try as we might, we could not find a replacement for it. We had to buy a microwave and a stove. When the house was finished, they didn't connect the ceramic tile behind the stove. ACK! We had a space of drywall and no tile.

I went to the craft store and got supplies for a mosaic. It wasn't a difficult project. The supplies were

thick glue
broken pieces of tile
grout

Then you just start arranging the pieces so they look good to you.

Corzine Deserves Seatbelt Summons

2007-04-14T10:54:00.000-04:00

http://1010wins.com/pages/353364.php...ntentId=411065

I've seen several articles on this. Apparently the good governor just flat out refused to wear one.

He is Alive!

2007-04-08T10:49:00.000-04:00

Ron and I went to Easter Service last night with many of the other regulars to make room for the not-so-regulars this morning So I was searching for Easter related items on the net this a.m. while waiting for the oven to heat.

I thought it was lovely - very different from the usual. My search was "He is Alive" http://www.theruined.com/Art/sketches/HeisAlive.htm

Praise God! He is Alive!

Wake Forest Basketball

2006-11-08T10:45:00.000-05:00

Last year about did me in. YUCK. Last night was against North Carolina Central.